Nonviolent Communication - The Language of the Heart

by Stuart Watson

The belief that people are naturally compassionate is a central awareness of Nonviolent Communication, otherwise known as NVC, or “the language of the heart.” NVC provides a toolbox of insights and communication tools that reveal and nurture this state of natural compassion.

For over 35 years, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg has traveled the world sharing NVC, contributing to a shift in consciousness from violence, alienation and oppression to a new paradigm of interconnectedness. From helping people improve the quality of personal and professional relationships to being on the front line mediating in some of the hottest conflict areas around the world, Rosenberg’s radical work subverts our whole status quo system of power by identifying the type of awareness and corresponding language that disconnects us from each other.

The NVC process is distinctly different from many models of communication and conflict resolution in that the objective is never to get our way, but to “create the quality of connection that will allow for everybody’s needs to be fulfilled.” The process guides us in fully and honestly expressing ourselves, while empathetically receiving the communication and actions of others; without using or hearing blame, criticism, or judgement. By focusing on the quality of the connection rather than on the strategies and outcomes, solutions can be obtained that satisfy everybody’s needs more completely, without compromising their values. As Dr. Rosenberg asserts, “we each have an incredible, awesome power to make life wonderful, and that there is nothing that is more joyful than exercising that power by enriching our own and other’s lives.”

While NVC includes very practical tools for focusing our awareness on the places that will most likely lead to our fulfillment, the process is deeply spiritual. Such authors as Deepak Chopra and Vicki Robin (Your Money or Your Life) have endorsed Rosenberg’s book, “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion.” Jack Canfield (Chicken Soup for the Soul series) commented, “I believe the principles and techniques found in this book can literally change the world.”

In a recent interview Rosenberg said it was “important that people see spirituality at the base of NVC . . . even if they practice this as a mechanical technique, they start to experience things between themselves and other people they weren’t able to experience before. They begin to see it’s more than a communication process, and realize it’s an attempt to manifest a certain spirituality. I have tried to integrate the spirituality into the training in a way that meets my need not to destroy the beauty of it through abstract philosophizing.”

He also said, “I need a way to think of God that would work for me, other words or ways to look at this beauty, this powerful energy, so my name for God is ‘Beloved Divine Energy.’ To me this is life connection to life; I know it in how I connect with human beings. Connecting with this Divine Energy within myself and others is the closest way I know of to be connected to God.”

One of the biggest challenges to teaching NVC, he found, is “judgemental, or right/wrong thinking.” People see how powerful this tool is and then feel “it’s the ‘right way’ to communicate,” making NVC itself the goal. “I’ve altered a Buddhist parable that relates to this question. Imagine a beautiful, whole, and sacred place, and that you can really know God when you are in that place. But there is a river between you and that place . . . so you get a raft, a handy tool to get you over the river. Once you’ve crossed the river you can walk the rest of the several miles to this beautiful place. But the Buddhist parable ends by saying that, “One is a fool who continues on to the sacred place carrying the raft on their back.” Nonviolent Communication is one of the most powerful tools I’ve found to get me over my cultural training so I can get to the place (of connecting with the Divine energy in ourselves and others). It is not the place. If we get addicted to the raft, attached to the raft, it makes it harder to get to the place. ”

Stuart Watson is the Coordinator for the Oregon Network for Compassionate Communication www.orncc.net and a Portland/Vancouver-based Mediator for relationship, divorce, and organizational issues at progressivemediation.com.

 Dr. Rosenberg will speak in Portland on Tuesday, April 16^th, 2002, from 7:00pm – 9:30pm. His talk, “Introduction to Nonviolent Communication,” will be held at Cleveland High School Auditorium, (corner of Powell and SE 26^th); entry fee is on a donation basis ($5 - $15 requested).