May/June 2011 Alternative Health
The Caregiver's Tao Te Ching
by William and Nancy Martin
Caregivers don’t lack for advice. Social, psychological and medical experts all contribute helpful understandings to the complex process of caring for another person.
But sometimes we, who find ourselves at one time or another in the position of caregiving, can be overwhelmed by this well-intentioned advice. Not only are we faced with the difficulties involved in unwanted life changes, but we also confront countless versions of “the right way” to handle these changes.
At the risk of being one more of these advice-giving voices, we would like to suggest some compassionate perspectives contained in the ancient poetic text of the Tao Te Ching. This classic Chinese wisdom book provides a supportive set of principles for those caring for loved ones. It invites them to relax into their own unique path through this difficult, yet deeply rewarding time. The same principles can be of great aid to professional caregivers, inviting them to look to their own inherent wisdom as the most valuable tool.
Written over 2,500 years ago, the Tao Te Ching expresses in short poetic verses a wise and universal philosophy of life that can bring a fresh breeze of satisfaction and peace into the complex and difficult task of giving care to another person.
The legendary sage, Lao-Tzu, who is credited with writing this classic book, saw life as a wondrous and mysterious process that expresses its truths in everything it does. Here are three insights from the Tao Te Ching that might be of comfort and inspiration to those of us who are giving care to another person.
Caregiving is a direct experience.
Talking about a path
is not walking that path.
Thinking about life
is not living.
Lao-Tzu was not a follower of any religious system. He was a patient observer of the way life flows. He watched the rain soak the earth and the clouds clear to reveal the brightness of the sun. He watched rivers carve canyons and nurture fertile valleys. He saw the seasons come and go and watched animals and plants live out their lives in an intricate web of interdependence.
He saw all things rise and fall, come and go, live and die. He understood that this mystery cannot be captured by words, concepts, beliefs or ideals. It can be talked about but never really understood. It can only be revealed by direct experience.
The direct experience of giving care is new every moment and leads us in unfamiliar directions. We gather understanding along the way, but with each encounter we must show up, stay present with what is happening and notice what actually occurs. When we do this, a space opens in which compassion for everyone involved, including ourselves, can naturally arise.
Caring for another person is not about orchestrating the day so that it goes according to some idealized “plan.” It is about letting go of our ideals and making room for the two people who are here in this place, in this moment. This brings us the freedom to open our hearts to ourselves and to those in our care.
Acceptance is the key.
... If we try to get rid of our pain
we will suffer all the more.
This is the secret of our path:
gentleness and flexibility bring the results
that force and rigidity fail to achieve.
When we are confronted with circumstances that are not what we want them to be, it is natural to push back against them. We want to change them, deny them or make them go away. We communicate to the one in our care that she is not who we want her to be — someone who is whole, healthy and vigorous. We communicate to ourselves that we are not who we want to be — someone who is energetic, in control and at ease. We each end up discouraged and withdrawn.
When we notice this tension and yield our attempts to change things, our experience is transformed. When we accept that this set of symptoms and these challenges are just what is happening in the moment, we find solid ground. When we acknowledge what is real, our vision clears. Now we can see what is possible, what our energy and our care receiver’s strength will allow today.
The present moment is all we have.
The present moment is all we have,
so we are not constantly seeking
a faster way to do things
or a better place to be.
There is no other time or place. There is nothing else that we should be doing in an attempt to make things other than what they are. This experience was always going to contain pain, weakness, uncertainty and fear. It is the product of a very specific set of relationships, experiences and perspectives. This is our life, not some distraction or diversion from it. There is not some “normal” life that has been put on hold for these weeks and months.
If we allow ourselves to sink completely into this present moment of our life, we can find contentment in our giving of care. In time, we discover that we would not have missed this experience for anything in the world.
William Martin and Nancy Martin are the authors of 
The Caregiver’s Tao Te Ching
. Visit www.caregiverstao.com. Reprinted with permission by New World Library at www.newworldlibrary.com.