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September/October 2010 Spirituality
7 Ways to Make Love Last

by Charlie and Linda Bloom

More marriages die of neglect than of irreconcilable differences. Relationships require on-going maintenance in order to thrive. To paraphrase Bob Dylan, a relationship that isn’t busy being born is busy dying.

Here are seven ways to make your love last.

1. Take care of yourself. The best gift you can give your partner is your own well-being. The more healthy, happy and fulfilled you are, the more you have to offer others. Taking care of yourself involves more than what you eat and how much you exercise, it includes the responsibility to know what nourishes your soul and spirit and seeing to it that you bring those experiences into your life. Even long-standing patterns of self-sacrifice and resentment can dissolve when we honor a commitment to our own self-care.

2. Appreciate the differences. In relationships, differences are inevitable, conflict is optional. There’s a reason that opposites attract. It’s because they each have something to offer that the other is lacking. We seek out others, not despite our differences, but because of them. Yet the differences can devolve into conflict when we try to coerce others to agree with us rather than appreciating the value of the unique gifts and perspectives we each bring. This is often easier said than done, but it’s a powerful antidote to conflict.  

3. Take time to make love. One of the first signs of a distressed marriage can be a diminishment in the frequency of sexual activity. For some reason, couples that once thrived on passionate lovemaking are often willing to tolerate a desert of physical intimacy where a lush garden once bloomed. Great sex is more than just an experience of sensual pleasure. It’s a means through which we delight in each other’s bodies, give expression to our desires, show our love, and share the joy of losing ourselves in bliss. If the flame of sexuality is neglected too long, the spark may go out. Don’t wait until the embers are cold. Talk about what you want and what’s missing and keep playing.

4. Don’t take your relationship for granted. There’s no such thing as a divorce-proof marriage. If you think your marriage is so perfect that divorce isn’t even a possibility, think again. This belief can lead to a kind of complacency. While this may not always lead to divorce, it can lead to something equally dangerous: a flat or stagnant marriage. Staying together isn’t the goal of a great marriage, thriving is. Thriving means never taking each other for granted and continually expanding your capacity for joy, love and growth.

5. Don’t let disappointments turn into resentments. In an effort to avoid conflict, many of us try to get over feelings of anger or disappointment. There is no problem with doing this when we can genuinely and completely let these feelings go. If we can’t, they are likely to turn into resentment, and become a toxic presence in our relationship. Telling the truth about difficult feelings in a respectful and non-blaming way can often bring about greater closeness and understanding, while stuffing those feelings often has the opposite effect.

6. Don’t wait too long to get help. The average couple that enters marriage counseling has been troubled for six years. By this time, it’s likely that workable difficulties have disintegrated into entrenched patterns. By all means, do everything that you can to handle challenges on your own, but be willing to recognize when your best efforts aren’t doing the trick. When you hit roadblocks that you’re not able to overcome on your own, bring in professional help before issues become entrenched and intractable.

7. Learn to forgive. Nothing erodes the foundation of a marriage faster than grudge-holding. It’s poison that over time is highly destructive. Although feelings of disappointment, hurt or irritation are inevitable in all close relationships, they can dissolve when there is a willingness to forgive and let go of resentment. Forgiveness isn’t a one-time event — it’s a process that occurs gradually and incrementally over time. It isn’t easy and sometimes it doesn’t even seem possible, but with an intention to heal, steps in the right direction can be taken even in the most strained of circumstances.

Psychotherapists and marriage counselors Charlie Bloom, MSW, and Linda Bloom, LCSW, are coauthors of Secrets of Great Marriages. Visit www.bloomwork.com. Reprinted with permission by New World Library at www.newworldlibrary.com.