November/December 2008 Spirituality
A Practical Look at Forgiveness

by Isaac Allen and Chad Cameron

Dan Millman knows about forgiveness. As a former world-champion athlete who overcame a devastating physical injury, he's experienced life's difficulties in a profound way. His bestselling Way of the Peaceful Warrior provides practical guidance for living with a peaceful heart and a warrior spirit.

Featured in the documentary Leap!, Millman spoke about how forgiveness can be used as a practical tool for creating the life you want.

Q. What does forgiveness mean to you?

A. Forgiveness involves different things for different people. For some, it's saying the words, "I forgive you." For others, whether or not the words are ever spoken, forgiveness is a heartfelt wave of compassion, a moment of understanding, a recognition of the difficulties and human limitations and frailties of another who has wronged or betrayed us in some way.

Frankly, I don't much like this whole idea of forgiving others. There is an arrogance to this idea: "I forgive you for having wronged me" or "I forgive my parents for having wounded me" and all that. If we observe ourselves very carefully and realistically, we may notice that our most important order of business is not in forgiving others, but in asking forgiveness. This seems to me the more worthwhile goal to pursue.

Q. What are the benefits of forgiving?

A. Someone once said that resenting someone is like letting them live rent-free in our head. I also like the words of Jimmy Buffet: "Breathe in, breathe out, move on." Life's too short. The fact is that people mess up. You do. I do. It's all part of being human.

Q. When I forgive, am I condoning certain actions?

A. Forgiveness has nothing to do with playing the role of victim. It is simply the recognition that something or someone hurt us. The experience leaves open the possibility for healing that relationship nonetheless but acknowledging their role (and ours) in what happened.

I find the 12-step program a good model in this whole area of forgiveness. When we wrong someone, we need to take specific steps of acknowledging specifically what we did, and then making amends and doing what we can to correct or compensate for it. This completes the healing that involves forgiving self and others.

Q. Must I forgive if a person continues to hurt me?

A. If someone wrongs me once, it's their responsibility. If they wrong me in the same way a second time, it's my responsibility. It takes two to tango. So by all means, turn the other cheek. Once.

Q. What if I don't want to forgive?

A. Then don't. But recognize that we may resent and punish others, and in doing so, we also punish ourselves in the process.

Q. What if I forgive and not forget?

A. I like the idea of "forgive, but don't forget." Forgiving is learning and rising above, not ignoring what happened. The idea is to grow wiser and more compassionate.

Q. How do I forgive others?

A. As that little green guy, Yoda, might say, "There is no try. Just do or do not." And there is no how. We forgive others, we learn and let it go, or we do not. Either way, there are consequences to ourselves and others with whatever path you choose.

Q. How can we forgive ourselves?

A. This question could have and perhaps should have been the first one you asked, because it is often as difficult or even more difficult to forgive ourselves than to forgive others. Once we find compassion for ourselves, it is easier to find compassion for others. Anne Truitt wrote, "It takes kindness to forgive oneself for one's life."

So there is no "how" to forgiving one's self. It requires the same compassion, understanding and insight to recognize that we are perfect but not yet perfected - that we make mistakes and continue to learn as we stumble towards the light.

To learn more about Dan Millman, visit www.danmillman.com. Isaac Allen and Chad Cameron created the documentary Leap!, which explores the perception of reality and techniques for living a life filled with joy, peace and personal power. Visit www.leapmovie.com.