July/August 2008 Spirituality
Your Life Your Way: Midlife Crisis

by Lynn Hull and Julie Molner

What exactly is this phenomenon we call midlife crisis?

We see it is more of an issue for some women than for others, and the experience varies from person to person. Basically it is a stage of life when awareness of one's own mortality becomes highlighted. It is a time when one has thoughts such as: "Is this it?" "Where am I headed?" "What have I done with my life?" "How much time do I have left?"

These sorts of questions create a feeling of "need to do more," of "time's running out fast," and can, if we let them, do nothing but raise our level of anxiety. Know that these are mere indicators that it is time to reevaluate your choices. It isn't too late. You have a choice, you can let time rush along and take you or you can take the time you have and live it more fully. Midlife crisis is one reason the time is now.

First, you need to get a good sense of where you are missing out. Take a few moments and go deep within to do some reflecting on the choices you are making right now. Sit comfortably, close your eyes, breathe deeply into your body for a moment or two, and let your mind be quiet. Then see what answers arise to the following questions:

  • Where aren't you satisfied?
  • What matters most to you?
  • How much of your time is spent on what matters most?
  • What's getting in the way of devoting time to what matters to you?
  • If you knew you only had a year to live and you would be healthy and feeling well, what would you do with your time?
  • What would add more "juice" to your life? Remember, age is just a number.

Perhaps you have discovered that your past, even present accomplishments are no longer giving you the same level of satisfaction they once did - you've been there, done that, so to speak. You may be feeling an unsettling lack of direction. This is understandable since it is innate in humans to need a sense of direction, a sense of purpose.

By going deep within and listening for the answers to these questions you can get in touch with your life purpose, what makes you tick. These are not answers that are in your head but rather at the core of your being. Listening requires sorting out the "should do's" from the "want to's." Who are you, what is it that makes you tick? Your life purpose will not be found in the "shoulds" - it resides within the "wants," "desires" and "dreams."

As you swim around in the zone we call "midlife crisis," you are likely to find yourself feeling disappointed that you did not have time for something you wanted or that life didn't develop as you would have liked.

  • What's a disappointment you've been carrying with you?
  • What disappointment are you willing to let go of?

When we are able to let go of negative emotions, such as feelings of disappointment, it gives us space for so much more to happen in our lives. It is one thing to allow ourselves to feel disappointment, sadness, anger, resentment - yet it is another thing to hang on to them. Yes, we must thoroughly feel our emotions, not deny them. Yet holding on to them won't allow you the space to move forward - holding on weighs you down and restricts you in many ways. In any case, if these disappointments are in the past, there's no going back to recoup them, and thinking about them only saps your energy.

In our workshops we talk with participants about the "loads" they are carrying around with them - the "if onlys," the disappointments in life, the negative emotions of anger, hatred, annoyance or resentment. Then we get participants to "own" these loads by dancing with potatoes held between their knees, under their chin, and/or in other obscure places.

The potatoes represent the weights, the "baggage" they carry with them through life. We choose these awkward ways of carrying because, in reality, we do not carry our own "baggage" in an evenly distributed way. The participants notice how much they are hindered in their dancing, making it impossible for them to move freely in a way that they would like.

Ahhh, the freedom, when they are prepared to commit to letting go of the negative emotion or thought epitomized by dropping the potatoes! Suddenly they are so much freer, looser, more able to take on and flow with the rhythm of the music.

It is the same in real life. You aren't physically carrying potatoes between your knees or under your chin. However, you are weighted down with stress and strain from negative emotions and thoughts you are holding onto. You will feel the same freedom the participants in our workshops feel when you drop a negative emotion, when you choose an empowering perspective or way of looking at things.

And this is the crux: You can choose how you want to see an issue - negatively or positively. The choice is yours. By choosing the positive, you become lighter, and possibilities become more clear and available to you.

Lynn Hull and Julie Molner are certified professional Co-Active coaches and leadership graduates. They co-authored Your Life Your Way: The Essential Guide for Women. Visit www.essentialguideforwomen.com. Excerpted from Your Life Your Way with permission by Marsh Hall International Publishing.