July/August 2008 Living Now
Effective Couple Communication: Using 'I Feel' Messages

by Jennifer Martin and Ryan West

If you want your partner (or anyone you communicate with) to actually hear what you are saying, the way you phrase your sentences is important. By using "I feel" messages, you take responsibility for the way you feel (which is more productive than placing blame on your partner).

The formula:

"When you (fill in the blank),

I feel (fill in the blank)."

This technique often keeps the listener from being triggered into a defensive mode which can divert their focus, making it difficult for them to reply in the way you wish. See if you can imagine how someone might respond to the following sample statements.

Rather than saying:

"You are always late for dinner. I can't believe if you loved me you would treat me this way."

Change it to:

"When you are late for our dinner dates, I feel disrespected."

Improve an "I Feel" Message by Requesting Action

Being able to communicate how you feel is important, but this alone will not typically help you get more of what you want in your life. However, when you combine an "I feel" message with a statement giving your partner the benefit of the doubt and a specific request for action, you will realize the true power of this technique. Here's how it works:

Step 1: Start with a statement giving your partner the benefit of the doubt. Say something positive that will get them listening. For example: "Honey, I know that you love me and want me to feel cared for in our relationship."

Step 2: Use your "I feel" message. For example: "So I want to let you know that when you are late to our dinner dates, I feel disrespected."

Step 3: Follow with a kind request for what you would like in the future. For example: "Do you think that next time we make plans, you can be here on time?"

Now you try. Practice identifying your true feelings and using "I feel" messages to request specific actions this week.

Jennifer Martin and Ryan West are the Port Townsend-based authors of More Love, More Joy. For details on their relationship seminars in Portland on July 12-13 and in Seattle on July 26-27, visit www.morelovemorejoy.com. Excerpted from More Love, More Joy with permission by DiscoveryBay Books.