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September/October 2007 Spirituality
Moving Past Pseudo-Forgiveness to True Healing

by Brandon Bays

Pseudo-forgiveness just doesn't work.

For true healing to occur one must empty out all the stored pain, hurt, blame and hatred. We cannot just by-pass the emptying out and releasing process and jump straight to genuine forgiveness, because the consciousness connected to the issues remains stored inside the body and it continues to have a life of its own. And that can be damaging.

Very often people naively believe they can avoid facing their own issues, by-pass feeling the true pain of past traumas, circumvent releasing the words and consciousness connected to them, and instead jump straight to forgiveness. They fool themselves into believing that healing will happen automatically once words of forgiveness have been spoken, and they believe they can just gloss over their own pain by being Mr. Nice Guy or Ms. Nice Girl by offering "sincere" forgiveness.

When I point out that they're just glossing over their own issues, and that once they've released the real hurt, the opportunity exists for real forgiveness to arise of its own accord, they will often counter with, "But I don't want to say anything mean or hurtful. I realize that person is not here right now but I just don't want to put any bad thoughts out there."

The issue and its associated emotions are already stored inside your body. So, you could take 45 minutes to humbly, honestly and completely admit, face and empty out all the stored pain, release the unexpressed emotions, clear the entire issue and be finished with it for the rest of your life; or you can leak it out, hurting that person continually for the rest of their life.

Those hateful, hurtful words are already present inside you. And you can finally admit them, release them and be done with them once and for all, or you can harbor these thoughts inside you and let their destructive work be ongoing, for I promise you the other person is already getting your strong non-verbal communication on a daily basis.

And what do you think is more healing for you, facing and clearing it or holding onto it, stringing it out over time?

Of course, they always admit that it's more healing to get real, open up and empty out the true pain, hurt and upset now. Yes, there may be some intense feelings to be felt and strong words that need to be voiced for a few moments, but that is far more healing than stuffing it back down and letting it leak out on a daily basis, eking out the underlying pain over the years.

For forgiveness to be truly effective and healing you must be free and you must be true.

Acceptance Versus Forgiveness

There is a quantum difference between acceptance and forgiveness.

I had been at a place of acceptance for many years. That acceptance allowed me to carry my story of nobility around with me - how I'd been so-o-o noble, so-o-o compassionate, so-o-o understanding, that I'd come to accept the violence that had taken place. Kind, compassionate (arrogant!) me.

And to forgive totally, unconditionally, I had to open my heart, get off my soapbox, give up 30 years of my blame game, and completely and wholeheartedly forgive.

It hurt, because I had to face down my pride. I had become so falsely noble, so saintly in my own eyes, and I had to own up to my own righteousness and finally give up the whole story - a story that had been a defining experience and expression of who I held myself to be. I had to give up my attachment to the story that I had been wronged by life. And when I finally forgave, when I truly opened my heart and completely forgave, the whole story of blame fell away and the consciousness connected with it was no more.

My story was over.

While I was forgiving, I realised that the tumor had never been clinging to me. I'd been clinging to it, and 30 years of dragging my victim story with me, finished in that one instant of pure, honest forgiveness.

The rest of the story is history and three and a halfweeks later I was diagnosed to be completely tumor free - no drugs, no surgery.

The healing power of forgiveness is palpably strong. It can heal bodies. It can heal lives. It can heal relationships.  It can even heal entire nations. And it truly is a gift you give yourself.

So often we make the mistake of believing we are forgiving the other person for their sake, but the truth is, whenever you forgive you release the consciousness of the whole story that you've been previously holding onto and nursing, and when it's gone you are the one who is freed.

In my experience there are really three aspects to forgiving. Firstly, there has to be a willingness to let go of our attachment to our story, to admit to and let go of our arrogance. We have to be willing to drop our self-righteousness and give up the juiciness we feel by being superior, right, on higher moral ground.

Next, we need to empty out. We need to get real and recognize that behind the arrogance is the real pain and hurt we feel, and we need to open our being and let all the raw feelings that had previously been suppressed and unexpressed be fully felt. We need to release all the pent-up emotion, the words and the consciousness that were hiding behind our pseudo-armour of false nobility and blame. All of the genuine pain needs to be released.

Then thirdly, once all the hurt has been met, expressed and let go of, our hearts are open to uncovering the true learning inherent in the situation. We are open to experiencing what the other has gone through, and we may realize they were probably doing the best they could at that time within the confines of their own past conditioning, dramas and pain. Once we've released our own pain, our heart feels a natural compassion and understanding of others' pain.

And it's from that understanding and compassion that real forgiveness arises. It arises naturally, almost unavoidably, and it is completely unconditional. Once you've emptied out fully, forgiveness floods in to fill the void as a natural expression of grace. Forgiveness releases you completely from your story of pain and allows you to move forward in freedom in your life.

In it all, humility is the key. For in true forgiveness, humility is always present. For in true forgiveness is freedom found.

After 30 years Brandon Bays, author of The Journey, remains at the cutting edge of the mind-body healing field today. Her work has been enthusiastically endorsed by Dr. Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer, Anthony Robbins and many others. A Journey Intensive Workshop will be presented in Portland on Oct. 6 and 7. For details, visit www.thejourneyusa.com.