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March/April 2007 Living Now
Calm and Compassionate Children

by Connie Hill

Susan Usha Dermond

Susan Usha Dermond is the director of Living Wisdom School in Beaverton. She is also the author of Calm and Compassionate Children, in which she shares what she’s learned observing teachers and parents during 22 years working in alternative schools.

Q. Why did you decide to write this book?

A. I see parents with the highest aspirations for their children, who want them to be calm and compassionate, but they might not be doing all the things to support those wishes. I wanted to share what I’ve learned and developed.

Q. My favorite chapters are High Mindedness and Becoming a Calm and Compassionate Adult.

A. One thing about becoming calm and compassionate adults is that we notice our children’s true state of being. We want our children to be happy, but parents are often confused about what that looks like. They confuse excitement with happiness, contentment or joy. Children get excited when they anticipate something. Then they have an emotional crash afterward.

Activities that bring real contentment and joy – whether playing soccer, doing artwork, playing with friends – totally absorb children. We can notice those things and bring more of those activities into their lives. That’s what we want to encourage in children, not the agitated excitement of unfulfilled desires.

One reason kids are not calm and compassionate is that they’re anxious. Parents don’t realize how anxious their children are. Parents being in a hurry and our lifestyle are part of what makes children anxious. It’s also too much information from media, from sex abuse cases to all kinds of violence that makes them anxious.

Young children don’t have the emotional maturity to deal with all of that. They are in such a receptive mode. Their hearts are wide open and we should fill those hearts with idealism and things they are hungry for and later when they are more mature introduce the other things. I’m not saying we should censor things, just be aware.

Q. What do you say to those who think kids should be tough?

A. I hear that especially from grandparents who might say “If she’s always in that sweet, happy, light place she won’t learn to cope with the real world.”  Or “What’s going to happen when they go on to public school where all the kids don’t have this philosophy?”

I find it’s the opposite – because the kids are calm and know who they are, they’re not trying to be accepted by everyone. They are just outstanding. They go on to fields like social work or nonprofit or ecological work. And some do go into traditional fields. One of my students who went on to become an airline pilot told me that the biggest difference between him and the kids he met in his private high school was that he knew what he wanted and none of the other students did.

It is a big concern, but it is just the opposite. If a child is bullied or is a bully, they’re not going to grow up into happy adults. Whereas kids who feel good about themselves and are confident are more able to make right choices later.

Susan Usha Dermond will be at New Renaissance Bookshop on Saturday, April 21. Call 503-224-4929 or visit www.newrenbooks.com for information and to register. Visit www.LivingWisdomSchool.net. Connie Hill works at New Renaissance Bookshop and is a local astrologer. She can be reached at 503-224-5434 ext. 128 or gmnite@yahoo.com.