July/August 2004 Spirituality
From Chicago to Boudhanath - One Seeker’s Path

by Kerry Moran

"The awakened state of a buddha perceives clearly, distinctly and completely the nature of things and all that exists. It is a wisdom that knows things as they are without confusion, without distortion," writes Chökyi Nyima Rinpoche. The term Buddha refers to the flawless awareness that is at once the essence of Buddhism, of Buddhahood, and of our essential nature.

I didn’t move to Kathmandu with the idea of becoming a Buddhist. In fact, I managed to live at Boudhanath Stupa, probably the best place in the world for the study of Tibetan Buddhism, for several years before life conspired to knock me into an existential crisis forcing me to honestly assess the beliefs I’d been operating by.

My normally optimistic nature, attuned to seek meaning in every circumstance, had always balked at Buddhism's First Noble Truth – that all life is suffering. During the fall of 1988 I came to understand this in a more subtle sense: that all conditioned things, all conceptual fabrications, are by nature unsatisfactory.

For the first time in my life I began to consider the possibility that maybe I didn't know it all -- that the only course of action might be to surrender, to lay my cards down on the table and simply say, "I don't know." Relinquishing control in this way was the most frightening thing I could imagine. Increasingly, though, I felt compelled to do just that.

I went to visit Chökyi Nyima Rinpoche, a strikingly alert man, then in his early thirties, who juggled many different roles: monk, practitioner, son of the great Dzogchen yogi Tulku Urgyen Rinpoche, abbot of a large monastery, and teacher of a growing community of Westerners. When he turned his eyes on me, there was no doubt of his full and total presence, a presence so focused and attentive it felt like 200% of normal voltage.

A key element in Tibetan Buddhism is the relationship with the lama. The term refers to a spiritual teacher who is able to transmit realization and guide others on the path to enlightenment. "The real lama is inside," the teachings state. The outer teacher acts as a mirror, reflecting back one’s own essential nature, lighting up the interior view.

After a few months of teachings, study and exploration, I decided to take the refuge vow and formally become a Buddhist. "Refuge," Rinpoche explained "is commitment to the Buddhist path. You will be different after than before. It is a beginning, a starting point."

In the ceremony, one by one, we came up to kneel before him and receive a lineage blessing and new "Dharma names." Rinpoche then gave us meditation instructions and a simple mantra to practice. We recited the mantra as he fingered his prayer beads. "After this go into shi ney meditation, and let everything dissolve." For the space of perhaps a minute he sat straight up and looked at us intensely, and I could feel a tangible energy pouring out from him. A tingling warmth and expansion engulfed the entire back of my head. Everything -- not just me, but everything around me -- seemed completely aware, vividly awake, yet deeply peaceful. It was four-dimensional reality, a state of mind infused with a power and a clarity utterly beyond conception. Tears of gratitude sprang up in my eyes. For once my interior monologue was totally silenced.

"I didn't know somebody could do that to you!" was my first thought, to which I clung in the absence of anything else. But of course Rinpoche didn't do anything. What took place occurred entirely within me. He simply acted as a mirror, making me aware of the enlightened capacity within myself, giving me a glimpse of Buddha nature as it exists within every being.

Buddhism taps into a place deep within me. Innate beliefs that I've had my entire life -- the relativity of physical reality, the subjectivity of most ‘truth,’ the functionality of intellectual assessment and rigorous logic, as well as the power of the utter surrender of devotion and the unconditional pouring-out of compassion --- are made explicit in the Vajrayana teachings.

The fit is uncanny, like a key effortlessly opening a locked door, and like other Western Buddhists I know, I view it with a sense of wonder. How did I, born and raised in Chicago, manage to travel halfway around the world to live at Boudhanath, a proverbial stone's throw away from the lama who would become my root guru? Ultimately, I am left with awe and gratitude towards a sense of inherent purpose that is much, much larger than my conscious mind.

Chökyi Nyima Rinpoche will be visiting Portland July 12th – 15th. He will be giving a public talk on "What Does It Mean to Be Spiritual in the 21st Century?" at the Old Church, SW 11th & Clay, on Wed. July 14th at 7:30 pm. For further information call 503-239-4950 or email: kerrymoran@earthlink.net.