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March/April 2004 Living Now
The Couples ConneXion
Before You Say "I Do"!

by Steven Cohn

Dr. Steven Cohn

In these fast-paced times, when relationship choices and options seem boundless, many couples choose not to get married. Some couples are unjustly denied the privilege of marriage by discriminatory laws. And other couples, in weighing all of their alternatives, still choose to walk down the isle and exchange heart-felt vows.

For those couples choosing to get married, there are many important things to consider before you say "I do". If you prepare yourself for nothing else in your marriage, prepare yourself for this: change is inevitable. People change. Like it or not, you will change during the course of your marriage, and (perhaps even more disconcerting) your spouse-to-be, your perfect mate and lover, will change, too.

You can fight change in your marriage if you want to. But change will happen anyway – with or without your blessing. Just ask any of the 50% of people who get divorced each year from first marriages (or the 60% of people who get divorced from second marriages). Perhaps too many people try too hard to hang on to the image of the person they married.

It seems the higher road leads to finding a way to accept, if not welcome, the many twists and turns that your marriage is likely to take. And to cherish the growth that marital shifts will likely force upon you. As Pearl Buck once said, "A good marriage is one which allows for change and growth in individuals."

One of the best ways, then, to prepare for a good marriage, is to talk frankly about the potential changes in advance. The rub is, of course, that talking about such serious issues when you are steeped in premarital bliss might seem like the least romantic thing that you could do.

Romantic or not, asking the right questions of your future spouse could chart the course of your life – both of your lives. In order to ensure that you and your beloved share a realistic vision of marital life, it is important to know what questions to ask each other before you exchange gold bands. There are many places to turn for help in determining what questions to ask. Ministers, Rabbis, and Marriage Counselors are good sources of information and good mediators for helping you navigate through the delicate process of asking tough questions. Look too for books and websites aimed at premarital counseling and newlyweds.

If you are in a relationship where you are being either emotionally or physically abused, or if you are concerned that you might harm yourself or someone else, please phone the 24 hour per day Crisis Line at 503-988-4888. A trained counselor will help you through your crisis.

Dr. Steven Cohn is the Director of the Portland Couples Counseling Center and Co-Founder of the Irvington Counseling and Healing Arts Center. He specializes in treating couples from all backgrounds. If you would like to schedule an appointment with Dr. Cohn or if you would like to request a complimentary brochure, please phone 503-282-8496.