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May/June 2003 Living Now
Public Speaking and Performance:
The Terror of Being Judged

by Carole Priest

And that’s really what it’s all about, isn’t it? Even now, chances are your stomach knots when you recall your long-ago piano recital.

What if I make a Mistake? Or worse, totally Blank Out? What if I don’t Play Perfectly—which translates into the real issue—What if I (the real I) am ImPerfect and No One Will Love Me?

Many of us carry into other aspects of our lives that awful childhood fear of being imperfect—insufficient—less-than. Later in our lives we often truncate attempts to do what we long to do because of the painful experience of what we may have considered failure.

How often, when you’re asked to give a little talk, or to perform an instrumental or vocal solo do you think, "Oh goody goody, that’s going to be so much fun ‘cause I have something especially worthwhile and beautiful to share with you and you’re going to really enjoy it!"

More likely, you might feel certain that last month’s presenter was far more interesting than you could ever be and undoubtedly knew more about her subject than…was prettier than…dressed better than…could speak/play/sing better than…everything better than…you. And you’d go about with butterflies in your gut, or try to figure a way to wriggle out of the whole thing.

So what can we do about that now? How can we alter our perspective on the meaning of performance? In our contemporary vernacular the word performance is a loaded one, frequently carrying with it an implied threat to survival.

As a professional pianist and singer in the cutthroat New York world of classical musicians, I simply had to find a way through that debilitating fear of The Critics. I found stop-gap measures that worked partially and at certain times, but were never truly dependable. Many times I just had to tough it out, butterflies, knocking knees, dry mouth and all.

It wasn’t until some years later that I understood fully the crux of the performance problem: the terror of being judged--with all the baggage that that can contain.

It was during a piano performance I gave in San Jose, California, of the Hindemith, "Ludus Tonalis", a lengthy and difficult work at which I had what could be called a Peak Experience. It forever altered my feeling of performing.

As I was playing the opening bars of "Ludus", I felt myself separate from my physical body—that body which was earnestly exerting the enormous physical and intellectual effort involved in performing. And in its place was a glowing globe of light from which the heart of the music spun out, filling the concert hall and becoming a part of each one of my listeners. The standing ovation which followed was a testament that my audience intuitively and deeply understood and appreciated even this strange, untunefull 20^th-century piece.

What had happened?

Perhaps it was that my ego had left the scene, leaving only the joy of sharing. All of the thinking, the striving for a perfect performance evaporated. What remained was the freedom to enjoy, the freedom to give fully. The fear of being harshly judged had given way to pure joy.

It isn’t mandatory to have a Peak Experience in order to understand and internalize the concept of letting go of your fear of being judged! Solid preparations, however, are necessary. Here are some things you can do:

1. Learn and practice deep breathing and panting exercises.
2. Stretch, so your body feels fluid and stable.
3. Practice standing with your feet about 15" apart, with one foot slightly forward and slightly turned out hands hanging easily at your sides.
4. Practice almost-yawning to get that open-throat feeling for a pleasant and supported sound.

If you’re giving a talk make sure that your audience can understand you.

1. Practice articulating the consonants clearly. Make your vowels the actual vowel sound of the word. Avoid the American propensity to make all vowels an "uh" sound.
2. Keep the volume up on the ends of sentences.
3. Separate your words clearly.
4. Use silence effectively. Occasionally give your listeners processing time.
5. Find the important word in each phrase, each sentence, each paragraph. Build your speech to a climax—to the most important point of your message.
6. Wrap it all up, connecting the points to a convincing conclusion.

When you’re actually giving your speech, Keep Breathing! Focus on the Delight of Sharing Something of Real Value! Allow for Imperfection! Leave Your Ego at Home and Enjoy the Joy!

Carole Priest, C.H.T, is a musician and energy therapist. You may contact her at 503-466-1085 for information on workshops, seminars and private lessons or therapy.