May/June 2003 Living Now
Dreaming Your Man into Reality:
Make a List and Check it Twice
by Marilyn Graman
Wouldn’t it be
nice to be able to choose what you want with a man and get it, like ordering
food in a restaurant? "I’ll take one caring man, athletic, who
has a good relationship with his mother and wants to cherish me. And can
I have a side of a large bank account, please, and I’ll finish with
a beautiful house. Oh, what do I want to drink? How about a pint of likes
to travel. Thanks—and oh, I’m kind of in a hurry so can you
ask the chef to put in my order ASAP?" Of course you can’t just
choose a man from a menu, yet you do have a lot more choice than you may
realize.
It is important to understand that what is in your life is here because
you have chosen it. You are making choices all the time, either actively
or passively. Becoming aware that you are constantly making choices
gives you your power back. In fact, you have the power to choose what
you want in a man—and have him come to you.
Give yourself the gift of having the relationship you want. We have
developed a system of making lists and interviewing that helps you attract
the man you want and the relationship that fits you. You won’t
find a Prince, but you will find a real man who can act princely when
he’s treated well, understood, loved, and appreciated. Women who
have used this system often find the results stunning. They discover
that they have the power to find just what they want—while loving
themselves, nurturing their relationship with themselves, and being
easy with themselves. The new lists you create will come from an open-hearted
place of loving yourself. They will speak to what you want today as
a self-loving woman who is ready for a good man to come into her life
List #1: The Six "Musts"
The Six "musts" are the attributes a man absolutely must
have for you to consider him. If he doesn’t have these qualities,
you will eventually leave him because of it. How many women have suffered
because their man doesn’t want to marry and they do? Or their man
doesn’t want to have children and they do?
A "must" is a deal breaker—and you know what they are.
If you wouldn’t break up with him because of it, it is not a "must."
The "musts" are the key as you begin the process of meeting,
and interviewing men. Knowing your "musts" will keep you out
of the trap of thinking "It doesn’t matter," "He’ll
change," or "He’ll be different with me."
Your "musts" come from a heartfelt place of knowing and trusting
yourself. It’s important to list six of them—no more and no
less. Six is a reasonable number that a man can be expected to live
up to, while not being overly picky or discerning enough. Once you’ve
come up with your six "musts", you must hold to them. If you
go out with an appealing man who has three of your "musts,"
you might be tempted to change them. But before you say blithely, "Oh,
I didn’t really want to have children," and cross it off your
list—know that you will eventually break up over this. Steer clear
of the man who doesn’t have all the "musts"—no matter
how attractive you find him. It is an act of self-love to refuse to
see someone again who will eventually break your heart. You don’t
need to sell yourself short. And besides—there’s always another
one coming!
List #2: The Ten "Very Importants"
The ten "very importants" are exactly that—they are
very important to you but not necessarily deal breakers. Still, you
don’t want to give in too easily on your "very importants."
They are, after all, attributes that will make you happy.
List #3: The Six "Must Nots"
The six "must nots" highlight your pitfalls. Your pitfalls
are your Achilles heel—the patterns you’ve been hurt by. Even
though you are now becoming aware of your negative patterns, it’s
human nature to be drawn to them.
When you go out with someone, you want to be precisely in the moment
to be aware of your pitfalls. If you’re not awake in the moment
it is easy to fall into an old pattern without realizing it.
List #4: Unlimited "Wouldn’t it be nice if . . ."
This list is for all the attributes that you’d enjoy a man having,
but that are not deal breakers. They’re the "extras,"
the things it would be great for him to have but that won’t make
or break your decision to get involved with him.
Getting clear opens the way for what you want to show up. Fear often
gets in the way of being clear. Once you are clear you won’t let
your fears stop you. Getting clear is a kind thing to do for yourself.
There is a really nice man out there who wants you to be clear so he
can find you and be with you.
Excerpted from: There Is No Prince and Other Truths Your Mother
Never Told You: A Guide to Having the Relationship You Want by Marilyn
Graman and Maureen Walsh, Life Works Books, $22.95