January/February 2003 Spirituality
Feeling Safe in a Risky World:
Helping Your Child

by Susan Dermond

Susan Dermond
If we thought in the months after 9/11 that eventually we would get beyond dealing with horrific news, we certainly know better now. Bombings, sniper shootings, and the murder of two young girls locally have dominated media and captured our attention.

Much has been written by psychologists of the importance of allowing children to express their fears and of reassuring them of their safety. Excellent advice, but I would like to look at this issue from another perspective.

Can we prevent children from experiencing so much fear in the first place? Is it falsely protecting them from reality to limit their exposure to knowledge of evil and cruelty, or is sheltering them a good thing? In what ways can parents give their children a feeling of security other than verbal reassurances?

A Contracted Heart

Childhood is a time when the capacity to love is developed. An open expansive heart is developed by positive, happy experiences, by loving environments. Exposure to violence, whether first or second hand, runs counter to the relaxed heart because it causes contraction—a fearful drawing back into oneself.

As adults when we hear bad news, our tendency is to tune into the media to get as much information as possible because being informed gives us the false illusion of getting more control over our lives. Actually, the opposite may be true. If you observe yourself during news coverage of violence, you will notice that your heart rate, respiration rate, and muscle tension rise, along with your anxiety level.

A child experiences exactly the same thing. Partially because the child has had many fewer sensory experiences and memories than you, the impact of the violent images and emotional voices is far greater. The child is more open in the heart, has developed fewer protective barriers.

By far the best way to help your children is to limit your household’s media consumption, not only because it protects them from experiencing the dramatic, emotional hype that media uses to get viewers, but also because you, yourself, will be calmer. Choosing to watch or hear news that is non-commercial (such as public TV) and delves more into issues rather than the emotions of witnesses will also be helpful.

Sharing Your Peace

A parent describing to me her son’s fear of going to sleep after 9/11 got more and more agitated as she talked about the events of last autumn. It was apparent to me that her child’s difficulty in sleeping was as much due to her anxiety level as it was his own. Having a strong, spiritual practice in your life, whether T’ai Chi, yoga, meditation, or a prayer group, will give you a source of inner peace to turn to in crises, providing your child with a sense of strength and security as he witnesses your healthy ways of coping.

The value of human touch to calm anxiety also cannot be over rated for example--holding your child in your lap, giving a hug or back rub, holding hands as you walk together. It has been well documented how much the warmth of pets helps elderly people; how much more does the warmth of a parent’s body help the child to relax! Lying down on the bed with your child and humming a soothing song; just talking about your day is reassuring. And if your child has trouble falling asleep, you can try massaging the soles of her feet.

Of course, your child is not the only one who will benefit. As you slow down to stroke your child, you will find your own body and emotions calming. Together you can rediscover the inner peace that can help you feel serenity in the midst of life’s storms.

Susan Dermond is the Director of Living Wisdom School, grades pre-school - 7, and editor of "I Came from Joy", a spiritual activity book for children. On January 25, a class for parents and children together on Moving Toward Serenity will be offered. For more information, see www.livingwisdom.org.