January/February 2003 Living Now
The Couples ConneXion
It Doesn’t Need Fixing!

by Steven M. Cohn, PhD

Dr. Steven Cohn
Often a couple will begin counseling because their relationship is filled with arguments, sadness, and the absence of a fulfilling intimate and sexual life. Session after the session the couple will seem to be deadlocked, ruminating over the same issues and the same questions. Most couples are hopeful that their issues can be resolved. Paradoxically, resolution might not be the answer to their difficulties.

Many times couples seem to be deadlocked around the content of an argument. Whose turn it is to clean the kitchen, for example. In reality, it’s often the process of the conversation (how is the couple talking about the issue of cleaning the kitchen) rather than the content of the disagreement (the dirty kitchen) that holds the key that will lead the couple out of their strife.

Although women play their role in sustaining these arguments, one of the biggest sticking points for arguing couples falls squarely in the men’s camp. Research related to relationships suggests that women complain more often than men. That’s okay, complaining is a good thing. However, men make two mistakes around this complaining. First, the research shows that many men hear a complaint and believe they are being criticized – this causes them to feel defensive. Second, and one of the biggest complaints offered by women, men hear a complaint and offer "support" in the form of trying to fix what their female partner is complaining about. This "support" often leaves women feeling unheard, frustrated, and belittled.

Men, you don’t have to take on the responsibility of "fixing" problems for your female partner. It’s not your responsibility and you’re burdening yourself with too much relational weight. Your wife or female partner is capable of solving her own problems. When she wants you to "fix" something specific, she will likely ask for your help. The only thing you, as a husband or male partner, have to do is listen and communicate understanding. But you really have to listen and you really have to make every effort to demonstrate understanding. Keep in mind that listening and empathy are learned skills and require practice.

If, after looking at your own behavior, you are still having difficulties in your relationship, then it might be time to seek out professional help. As you consider which therapist to trust with your relationship, remember that not all therapists who advertise couples treatment are relationship specialists. The only way to find out whether a therapist is a general practitioner or a relationship specialist is to ask questions. General rule of thumb: A relationship specialist treats only couples and does not work with individual clients.

If you are in a relationship where you are being either emotionally or physically abused, or if you are concerned that you might harm yourself or someone else, please phone the 24 hour per day Crisis Line at 503-215-7082. A trained counselor will help you through your crisis.

Dr. Steven Cohn is the Director of the Portland Couples Counseling Center and Co-Founder of the Irvington Counseling and Healing Arts Center. He specializes in treating couples from all backgrounds. If you would like to schedule an appointment with Dr. Cohn or if you would like to request a complimentary brochure, please phone 503-282-8496.