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November/December 2002 Living Now
Ask Mariel
Giving for the Joy of It

by Mariel Martin

Dear Mariel,
In my relationship I am the gift giver. During the year and a half that we have been together, I have given my partner many gifts. I feel I have given very generously. It is my way of showing my appreciation. Yet it is very rare that she gives me anything. Can you talk about "giving" in gifts relationships? Maybe she will see this and get the hint. Maybe there is something I can learn? Thanks.
-Generous Guy

Dear Generous,

It is very sweet to receive a surprise present when it comes from your heart. You did not mention if she does, indeed, express her appreciation. Some people are not big on shopping. There are, however, two sides of the coin when it comes to gift-giving. Your question is timely during this time of year when gift-giving is a traditional way of celebrating the holidays. So here are some different aspects of giving for both of you to consider. Only you would know which applies to your situation. Not everyone is generous. Based on the brief details of your letter, it is not possible to tell if your partner is self-centered and which type of giving you are doing. If giving gifts makes you happy please continue to do so.

When you give a present do you expect something in return? Have you ever thought of giving just for the sheer joy of making someone happy? Here is a simple test illustrating three different ways of giving based on intentions. Your intention, consciously or unconsciously, will affect the outcome.
First, there is bartering or exchanging. This is perhaps the most common kind of "giving." This is a situation where you express, at the time, that you expect something in return. The receiver agrees to give in return. Everything is negotiated. Many relationships are based on exchanges. This holds true for the business world as much as it does in personal relationships. The dialog goes something like this, "I’ll do this for you if you do this for me." If so, then this is clearly the case when your giving is based on what you will be receiving. Gift exchanges are often part of tradition on special occasions. When you give expecting something in return, truly then you are wanting to exchange. One, or both parties, keeps score.

Did you let the other person know that you expect something in return at the time you gave them a gift? Or did you hope it would allow you to ask for a favor in return? If so, you are getting into manipulation.

If you repeatedly remind the person afterwards that "I gave all this to you", be honest about your intentions. If you give without prior agreement, and then hope to get something in return, or you want her to feel obligated to you, you are in fact manipulative. What is it that you want her to feel obligated to do? To say in such a situation, "I am just doing this because I like / love you" is being deceptive if you hope to receive anything. Be clear about the situation you are creating – is it one of mutual giving or one of manipulating each other? If you are being manipulative you will build resentment rather than appreciation. And you set it up. Manipulation usually comes out of fear. Fear is the opposite of love. Even if you give with the intention of "earning" love, or someone’s attention, it is still manipulation.

If you give generously without expectation, then you are truly being generous. Reciprocity is important in all relationships. It is natural to also enjoy receiving a present. To see what seeds you are sowing, just ask yourself whether you are: (a) exchanging (b) manipulating or (c) giving unconditionally for the joy of it.

When you give to express gratitude or love and you give without expectation, you are giving out of the joy of living. This type of giving invokes the Universal laws of abundance, and the Universe sends us tenfold that which we give lovingly. It does return to you – although maybe not in the form you expect. Giving without expectation blesses both the giver and the receiver. It comes from the heart. As the saying goes, "Pass it forward."