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November/December 2002 Living Now
Want A Better Relationship?
Find Your Five Magic Hours Per Week

by Steven M. Cohn, PhD

Dr. Steven Cohn

Couples often begin the counseling process with complaints about feeling burnt out and frustrated with their relationship. Too many arguments, too little understanding, no compassion, and not enough sex. When asked how much time the couple spends together, the answer is often: "Oh, our schedules don’t allow us to spend any alone time together." Okay, fine. But what do these couples believe a relationship specialist can do for them? The answer is "not much."

It is impossible to build and maintain a healthy, happy, loving, sexually exciting relationship without spending time together. This is a minimum requirement. It’s only after this time gets carved out that the relationship work (and eventually, fun) begins. Couples unwilling to reprioritize their lives to invest time in their relationship do so at the cost of their relationship. That is, at the risk of losing their relationship.

Research suggests that couples who restructure five hours per week for their relationship are likely to show relational progress. However, it’s not only quantity, but quality. Here’s a great place to find those five magic hours per week.

Leaving home. Before either of you leaves home, be certain that you know at least one interesting thing that will happen during your spouse’s day. Show genuine interest. 2 minutes per day, five days a week buys you your first 10 minutes.

Returning home. A great time for both of you to relieve stress and begin letting go of the day. Each spouse can take 10 minutes to listen and offer understanding and support. 20 minutes per day, five days per week buys your relationship another 1 hour and 40 minutes. So much gain for so little investment of time.

Appreciation and admiration. Find five minutes per day, 7 days per week to communicate to your partner about what you really appreciate about them. Each of you take a turn. You’ll earn another 35 minutes per week of magic relationship time.

Affection. Hugs and kisses all around. Be playful, spontaneous, and full of romantic surprises. 5 minutes per day, 7 days per week for another 35 meaningful minutes.

Date time. Schedule one 2 hour date per week. No cancellations, no excuses. Make it your top priority. You probably found at least 40 hours to devote to your work. Is 2 hours really that much to ask for the person with whom you’re most intimate?

As you can see, finding five hours per week to enjoy your relationship can be both easy and fun. It’s really a matter of intention and priorities. However, if you--or your partner--are unwilling to find time to be with each other, don’t get hopeful that a relationship counselor can offer you some magic pill.

If you are in a relationship where you are being either emotionally or physically abused, or if you are concerned that you might harm yourself or someone else, please phone the 24 hour per day Crisis Line at 215-7082. A trained counselor will help you through your crisis.

Dr. Steven Cohn is the Director of the Portland Couples Counseling Center and Co-Founder of the Irvington Counseling and Healing Arts Center. He specializes in treating couples from all backgrounds. If you would like to schedule an appointment with Dr. Cohn or if you would like to request a complimentary brochure, please phone 503-282-8496.