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September/October 2002 Living Now
Are You Being Critical?

by Steven M. Cohn, PhD

Dr. Steven Cohn

There are four destructive behaviors which rear their ugly heads in any close relationship: (1) criticism, (2) contempt – think: displays of disgust, (3) defensiveness, and (4) stonewalling – think: checking out emotionally. Of these four traits, one of the most common and most destructive is criticism. If you are regularly criticizing your partner, or if you are being criticized regularly by your partner, it is highly likely that your relationship is headed down a slippery slope.

Contrary to what many couples believe, in a successful relationship there is no such thing as constructive criticism. All criticism is painful and all criticism has the potential to harm the relationship. Unlike a valid complaint (think, a specific request for a desired change), criticism doesn’t make a relationship better. Why do some people become critical in relationships? The research suggests that there are two reasons.

First, living with an emotionally unresponsive partner can incite criticism. If one partner raises legitimate complaints about the other partner not helping with housework, for example, and the non-helping partner ignores the complaints, it is likely that the complaining partner will shift to criticism and name calling. This is the beginning of a destructive cycle that must be stopped. The only way out of this cycle is for both partners in the relationship to change their behavior.

Second, a person in a relationship can become critical of their partner when self criticism spills over and is projected outward. This kind of criticism is often a learned response related to self doubt, a likely remnant from childhood. When a person spends their childhood being taught to see what is wrong, what not to appreciate, and what is missing, it is difficult for that person to appreciate themselves or their partner. Instead of looking for and appreciating their partner’s good qualities, the good qualities are taken for granted and the criticizing partner focuses only on pointing out flaws. The cycle of self criticism and criticism of the other must be stopped in order to have a successful relationship. The research has shown that the best thing a couple can do for their marriage is to learn to accept each other, imperfections and all.

If you or your partner are having difficulty with having entered into a destructive critical cycle, or if either of you is struggling with self criticism directed outward, it might be time to seek counseling.

If you are in a relationship where you are being either emotionally or physically abused, or if you are concerned that you might harm yourself or someone else, please phone the 24 hour per day Crisis Line at 215-7082. A trained counselor will help you through your crisis.

Dr. Steven Cohn is the Director of the Portland Couples Counseling Center and Co-Founder of the Irvington Counseling and Healing Arts Center. He specializes in treating couples from all backgrounds. If you would like to schedule an appointment with Dr. Cohn or if you would like to request a complimentary brochure, please phone 503-282-8496.