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July/August 2002 Living Now
What Are You Waiting For?

by Steven M. Cohn, PhD

Dr. Steven Cohn

"Why can’t we find a solution to our problems? All we do is fight over and over again about the same things." Does this sound familiar? It should. As it turns out, 69% of the time couples fight about unresolved, perpetual problems for which there is no solution. That’s right, no solution. Like it or not, the research shows that nearly 7 out of 10 relational difficulties will end without a resolution, without a "fix." Ouch. Does this mean that all relationships are doomed to failure? No, thank goodness.

The good news is that the research also shows that in order to have a successful, long-term relationship couples don’t have to (and won’t) resolve their relational issues. According to the research, what does matter in terms of success is whether couples are able to resolve their emotional content around an issue. In other words, the research shows that successful relationships are not built on problem solving but rather on developing skills to dialogue about problems. All couples have nonresolvable problems; the difference is that successful couples find effective ways to talk about their problems.

So, what do therapists teach couples about how to dialogue about their nonresolvable problems? Unfortunately, despite research to the contrary, many therapists continue to teach couples a technique called active-listening. In a nutshell, active listening takes place when a couple parrots each other’s statements by saying, "What I hear you saying is . . . " Perhaps you’ve had a therapist teach this technique to you either during a counseling session or during a "Couples Communications Workshop." You may be disappointed to learn that, for the most part, active listening doesn’t work. Research has shown that active listening is ineffectual in creating a positive relationship. And, any gains that do come from active listening have been proven to be short lived. That is, couples employing active listening techniques are merely applying Band-Aids and quickly relapse to previous dysfunctional styles of communication.

When calling around to interview couple’s therapists, ask whether the therapist teaches active listening skills. If "yes" is the answer, run the other way. Quickly.

You might be surprised to read that, on average, couples wait six years from the time they detect a problem in their relationship until they contact a couples therapist. Six years of pain, agony, and discomfort before asking for help. Research also shows that less than 1% of divorced couples sought out couples counseling during the year of their divorce. If you are unhappy in your relationship and have not asked for help, the question is: what are you waiting for? Life can be short and there is no reason to live your life in relational pain.

If you are in a relationship where you are being either emotionally or physically abused, or if you are concerned that you might harm yourself or someone else, please phone the 24 hour per day Crisis Line at 503-215-7082. A trained counselor will help you through your crisis.