May/June 2002 Spirituality
Using Conflict to Grow

by Theun Mares

Most of us consider ourselves peaceful and try to avoid conflict whenever possible. But stressful situations, especially those involving others, can create conflict in our personal and professional relationships.

Yet, conflict need not be a bad thing--it can actually be used as a positive force to create more positive relationships with others and ourselves. The first step toward using conflict constructively involves embracing conflict as an integral part of life.

All of human progress, for the most part, is linked to conflicts and the need to overcome them toward positive outcomes. For if life was devoid of conflict, we would never be forced to look for solutions to our problems. And it is this process of finding solutions that helps us to make our lives happy and successful.

Handling Interpersonal Conflict

When interpersonal conflict arises, for example, it usually indicates a missing link in communication--that two people have different pictures of the same situation. And since these pictures do not match, an ensuing argument revolves around whose picture is right.

At the heart of interpersonal conflicts is the assumption that one person must be right, and the other wrong. The problem with this "winner take all" belief is obvious. Here, conflict becomes a matter of two people defending their respective positions without gaining any insight into the opposing parties point of view.

The way out of this scenario is to see conflict as a process of gaining new knowledge, rather than vanquishing an opponent.

Using conflict constructively requires a shift from the perspective that “only one person can be right” toward one of seeking mutual understanding. This perspective acknowledges that both people can be right. By using this as a starting point, conflicts that were previously insurmountable can now actually resolve themselves and relationships can be strengthened.

How does this work in real life? It’s staff appraisal time in Mary’s company. Although the year was difficult, Mary feels that she's done well and is looking forward to a raise and end-of-year bonus. Yet, when it is Mary's turn for review, her boss says he is not so happy with her performance and lists areas that need improvement.

Suddenly, there is conflict, and Mary feels bad because she feels that her work has been invalidated and her self-worth undermined. She doesn’t say anything, but goes home feeling depressed.

In another instance, Stan and Anna have been happily married for three years when Anna starts to develop a feeling of unease. She can’t put a finger on what is wrong, but says to Stan, “I don’t know why I am saying this, but I feel that there is something wrong with our relationship.”

Stan feels threatened, thinking that he is being attacked. Here is conflict again, and Stan becomes very angry and lashes out at Anna.

In both instances, these people have run into perception problems. Like most of us, they have been taught that conflict is bad and should be perceived as a negative, personal attack. Depending on their psychological make-up, they either become aggressive or run away.

Learn to Listen

Learning to handle conflict constructively starts with the attitude that we can learn something from any situation--even one that appears to be adversarial.

If our perception and communication with others is unclear or based on false assumptions, we will never find the missing link that constitutes new knowledge that will help us resolve conflicts. The first step is learning to listen with absolute openness--something most people do not do very well because they have too much on their minds.

Listening with absolute openness means being that we are fully receptive to what another person says, without interrupting or formulating mental responses while the other person is talking. This includes suspending natural tendencies to “react” or hastily “interpret” whenever we feel under attack.

What we often assume as an attack is nothing more than a habitual assumption. By listening fully and defenselessly, we start to hear what others are trying to communicate. This is a vital part of discovering what the situation is really all about. And unless we are clear on this, we never find new knowledge that truly resolves the situation.

Watch Out for Your Self-image

Another cause of false assumptions about what others are saying is our own self-image.

Most of us are unhappy about some aspect of ourselves, whether it is part of our behavior or a perceived shortcoming. These personally perceived inadequacies not only contribute to our self-image but also to many communication problems with others. This is because, like it or not, we interpret all communication through our self-image.

How does this work? If, for example, we are timid, we tend to assume that others are aggressive, even when they are just being open and honest. This means that, even if we correctly hear the words used by others, we still interpret and make assumptions based on our self-image.

Becoming aware of habitual responses caused by our own self-image makes us less likely to see conflict as a negative, personal attack. We are less likely to become aggressive or run away. Additionally, we are more objective in our assessments of a situation, thereby helping us deescalate resulting conflict.

Find the Missing Knowledge

Because interpersonal conflicts usually result from a lack of knowledge about another person's perspective, the key to improving our understanding of potential conflict situations lies in uncovering what is missing so that both pictures match one another.

Sometimes, missing knowledge lies in what others say. By remembering to listen with absolute openness we often discover all we need to know to resolve conflicts immediately. This means that we need to continually test our assumptions and ask questions.

In conflict situations, we need to encourage open communication between parties. They should prompt others to more fully reveal their feelings and attitudes about the conflict at hand, along the lines of “please tell me more,” rather than “please explain yourself,” which will only encourage resentment.

By approaching conflict constructively we move forward, rather than remaining stuck in old patterns. And armed with missing knowledge into the true nature of the conflict, we can set about making positive changes in our lives and into our interpersonal relationships.

Theun Mares is an expert on personal growth based on the Toltec approach to life. He is the author of 6 books about self-discovery and life enrichment. In This Darned Elusive Happiness, he shows that interpersonal conflict is a barrier to true happiness and building successful relationships and explains how to understand conflict and develop skills to deal with it constructively. For more information about Mares' books and retreats or to learn more about Toltec, visit www.toltec-foundation.org.