May/June 2002 Living Now
Are you loving or mothering your man?

by Petrene Soames

Petrene Soames
We all agree that relationships are amazing. But hold on for a moment before you jump into a pool of romanticism and wonder, or shake your head in disbelief and despair. It's important to know if you are you a mother or a lover. We've all read the signs. Does the following ring a bell?
  • Do you find yourself attracting men into your life who at first seem sensitive and kind, yet later turn into albatrosses that weigh you down as you carry them through life?
  • Do you respond to the hurt wounded little boy in men, because they make you feel needed and in control?
  • Do you keep attracting those bad boys types that refuse to grow up?
  • Have you found yourself wondering what happened to your love? You know you are living in a relationship; there are two toothbrushes in the bathroom. Yet it feels like it's all down to you and you know essentially you are living alone.

We women are strange creatures. We want it all; we dream of love, strength, passion and power in our mates. When we first meet them, we love them for who they are. Yet somewhere along the way, we give them our all, lose sight of our own power and then try to change them when the going gets tough.

Looking into the situation a little more closely, today's experts mostly agree that mothers and sons are still stuck in old negative myths. Boys at a young age for example are generally very loving and protective towards their mother. They enjoy a strong deep bond and yet society quickly dictates that growing boys are supposed to naturally separate from their mother. By the ages of between 6 and 8 year-old, boys are traditionally taught to no longer cry or express their sadness and fears. Mothers meanwhile are told that if they respond to such emotions in their sons beyond a certain age, they are holding them back and even subjecting them to being labeled "sissy" or "mother's boy". Obviously then the relationship between mothers and sons can be a difficult one to work through and keep balance in, as often neither mother nor son are entirely sure where and how they should stand on matters of the giving and displaying of love, affection and emotions.

Women spot the hurt, sad, angry and wounded little boy in a grown man with remarkable speed and often respond with compassion and empathy. The situation can quickly become imbalanced however and sadly those same women may be heard to remark later, "it's like having another child." It's a fact too that men often look for and find mothers in their wives especially after their wife becomes a mother herself. Often those men then lose sexual interest in their women because they cannot see their wives as lovers but mothers of their children and after all generally men do not feel sexually attracted to their own mother.

What can we do as women? How can we exit the loop? It's clear that the first thing to do for ourselves is to pinpoint whether we are loving or mothering our man. Read on and find out for yourself.

  1. Are you doing all the cooking, washing, and cleaning in your household to the point that your man would find it hard to look after himself alone for a week? Does he call you "Mother"? If yes, you are mothering your man.
  2. Be honest, do you often fake orgasm during sex and tell him he's great in bed, even though your needs are not being met. Once again, if the answer is yes, you are mothering your man.
  3. Do you make excuses for him to your friends and family when he behaves in unacceptable ways, or hurts and insults you in front of others? You're mothering him, and in this case you're holding him back, not helping him to grow. Worse still, you are putting yourself second and on the way to loosing self-respect.
  4. Do you agree with most of what he says and does to keep the peace or because you are afraid of losing his love, not wanting to rock the boat? This is a case of extreme negative mothering.
  5. Do you take on most of the responsibility around the house and in your life together, protecting him from possible painful experiences, choices and feelings? If so, it's clear that you are mothering your man and your little boy has no room to grow.
  6. Do you stand by as he self-medicates with the use of alcohol or legal or illegal drugs rather than face his issues? This is a dangerous form of mothering where no one wins in the long term.
  7. Are you helping him stay physically sick rather than empowering him to get well because you need to feel needed and you are afraid that, if he is his best self, he might move on without you? If the answer is yes, you are mothering him.
  8. Do you join him with his "us against the world" routine and support his belief that everyone else is wrong but him? Another form of mothering is happening here. Little boys need to grow, share and love and be capable of relating as social beings.
  9. Are you holding back from real intimacy by refusing to let him see your true vulnerabilities and not allowing him to be the strong one who takes care of you sometimes? If so, you are mothering him.
  10. Do you hold yourself back from standing in your full power and true light because you want to protect him from his own feeling of inadequacy? This is another form of negative mothering and another no win situation.

If you have answered yes to any of these questions, it's time to move on. Just remember to step back, tune in and stay in touch with yourself and your situation. A little mothering with clear intentions is a valuable thing, but if it's being used as an avoidance of facing real issues, then it's time once again to ask yourself clearly: are you mothering or loving your man?

©2002 Petrene Soames

Petrene Soames is the author of The Essence of Self-Healing: How to bring health and happiness into your life and a leading authority in healing and self-awareness; a veteran television and radio guest, she has worked for 22 years as a consultant and therapist, helping others achieve their highest potential. Visit her web site at http://Timeismine.com or call (281) 363-9983.