May/June 2002 Featured Stories
The Energies of Love
by Donna Eden and David Feinstein, Ph.D.
What
makes a relationship succeed? Everyone has their notions, but in a society
where less than half the commitments to life-long partnership celebrate
a tenth anniversary, even time-honored philosophies and formulas are suspect.
A number of the beliefs about the qualities of successful relationship
have, however, sustained both the test of time and the scrutiny of scientific
research.
We can now understand how the “energies”—the usually
subtle but ubiquitous living physical flow that is the invisible essence
of relationship— of each of those qualities are maintained, how
they move, how they become stagnant, how they can be activated. By exploring
this dimension of relationship, you can develop not only a fresh perspective
but potent tools for keeping a relationship vital and fulfilling.
For instance, the most cogent insight about sex and intimacy to come
from the behavioral sciences is deceptively simple. For sex to stay
hot within a long-term relationship, both participants must not only
be able to deeply bond with one another, they must be able to maintain
a separate identity, an ability to act autonomously of their perceptions
of the other’s needs, expectations, or desires. This delicate interplay
between bonding and differentiating is, in fact, the underlying issue
around which marriages succeed and fail.
If we view each member of the couple as an energy system, we can become
quite graphic about how this might work. Two separate bundles of energy
become close. They merge into a new entity, the couple. Visualize two
separate circles (the individual energies) within a larger circle, the
new energy of the “couple.” The separate circles are surrounded
by the energies of the relationship, but if either fades into that energy,
it spells trouble for the marriage.
If there is to be a positive charge, any strong charge in their encounter,
they must also remain separate. Some couples achieve the necessary autonomy
by staying alienated from one another and the passion of their anger
is the hottest quality of the relationship. Some couples become so alienated
that the energies never merge, they never risk losing their autonomy,
but neither are they a couple, energetically. In many couples one merges
energetically while the other doesn’t, creating a sense of dependence
in the one and a sense of suffocation in the other. In some, however,
the flow between merging and maintaining a separate identity becomes
a truly creative act that maintains passion, accentuates love, and expands
the identity of each.
Each person’s energies are as unique as a thumbprint, yet the
constellation of a person’s energies determines the way the person
experiences the world, learns from experience, assesses what is possible,
decides what desirable, approaches action is, and wants to be loved.
In our The Energies of Love workshop, we start with behavioral patterns
that can readily be observed, and show participants how to map their
energy field into one of four main types, as well as a simple “energy
test” for verifying their conclusions.
The challenge deepens with the ways these types interact within relationship.
When stress enters, a single sensory system, unique to each of us, dominates.
This survival sensory system is deeply embedded in the nervous system.
It is geared for the fight or flight response, where perspective, reflection,
and logic are not prized. Reality can be utterly distorted. Worse, we
don’t realize it.
When you recognize that you &/or your partner are in your stress
response mode, know that more important than continuing the argument
is to shift your energies. Use your new understanding of survival modes
for the relationship. When you understand what your partners’ primary
sensory/energy/stress modes are, you can avoid triggering their fight
or flight reactions, as well as your own, with a few simple energy techniques.
To a larger degree than has been generally understood, “energy
is destiny.” When two people come together in relationship, a new,
third energy field, which has never before existed, is created, and
it holds another destiny. The care and nurturance of all three energy
fields (you, me, and us) is necessary for a relationship to thrive
The Energies of Love can help to cultivate these three energy fields
within the tumultuous waters of an ongoing relationship.
Donna Eden & David Feinstein will be offering the Energies of
Love workshop in Portland on Monday, June 24th at the Old Church, corner
of SW 11th and Clay from 7 to 10pm. Cost is $25-15 sliding scale. Reserve
by calling 503-892-3300 or email events@newconnexion.net.