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May/June 2002 Living Now
The Couples ConneXion
Whose Money Is It?

by Dr. Steven Cohn

Dr. Steven Cohn

If the love of money is the root of all evil, then the love of controlling money is the root of all evil in relationships. Well, just about. Few issues between loving partners will spark more anger than money. Only in-laws, sex, and children can ruffle as many feathers as money in the nest of domestic tranquillity.

Money problems in a relationship are often related to power. Since issues related to money usually have their roots in an individual’s family of origin, money between lovers often becomes an imaginal struggle between whose family of origin will hold the keys to the domestic bank vault.

For the most part, there are three reasonable solutions to money management in a relationship, none of which is the correct answer for all couples. The three solutions are (1) separate checking accounts, (2) joint checking account, or (3) separate checking accounts combined with a joint checking account. There are pros and cons to each option.

In the interest of space, this column will address the middle ground of option three, separate checking accounts combined with a joint checking account.

 First the cons. More bank accounts means more paperwork and increased likelihood of errors or confusion. Every time a bill is paid, each person has to determine which of three accounts should be utilized. Establishing spending guidelines for each account can help, but disagreements may arise about how to set and follow the guidelines. And, even though each person has separate money to spend, power struggles might still erupt over how money from the shared account is being used.

On to the pros. The biggest benefit to having both individual and shared accounts is that a couple has the best of both worlds. Each person rules their own financial kingdom as well sharing in the fiscal intimacy of a shared responsibility. The autonomy can significantly reduce power plays and the shared finances can facilitate team building and shared goals. With each person’s credit worthiness within his or her own control, power struggles can be diminished. And, if one partner has unusually large credit obligations, the other partner is spared the potential anger of paying for debt over which he or she had no initial control.

One last tip, a good first purchase from the shared checking account would be a software program geared toward managing personal finances. And finally, don’t forget to open and make regular contributions to a savings account.

If you are in a relationship where you are being either emotionally or physically abused, or if you are concerned that you might harm yourself or someone else, please phone the 24 hour per day Crisis Line at 215-7082. A trained counselor will help you through your crisis.

Dr. Steven Cohn is the Director of the Portland Couples Counseling Center and Co-Founder of the Irvington Counseling and Healing Arts Center. He specializes in treating couples from all backgrounds. If you would like to schedule an appointment with Dr. Cohn or if you would like to request a complimentary brochure, please phone 503-282-8496.