March/April 2002 Spirituality
Continuing Along the Toltec Path

by Kelsy Bunker

In the last two issues I have written about The Four Agreements as taught by don Miguel Ruiz. I discussed the first two agreements, which were being impeccable with your word and not taking things personally. In this issue I am going to introduce the third agreement - Don’t Make Assumptions.

We have a tendency to make assumptions about everything. The most common assumption we make is to assume that everything we believe is true. A belief is simply a belief. It is neither true nor false. It just is. However we put one hundred percent of our faith into our beliefs and we assume that they are true.

Let us say that I believe in general that I don’t have anything important to say. I am in a group and after mostly listening I finally decide to say something. After I have finished speaking, there is silence in the group. Immediately I make the assumption that no one is talking because what I said was not important. I judge myself as being bad because no one is talking. I feel awful. After a few minutes of silence, the group begins talking. It turns out that what I had to say affected everyone profoundly, and the reason no one spoke was because they were deep in thought about what had been said. In the meantime I had made an assumption that put me straight into hell. I believed it was true, but it was not.

Everyday we make assumptions about what other people are thinking or doing. Based on these assumptions we judge either ourselves or them. We then look to the gossip of others to support our assumptions. We reason that if enough people agree with our point of view, then we must be right. Therefore we are justified in punishing ourselves or others. As you can see this is a crazy way of thinking. Nevertheless this is the way the majority of people think.

Our reasoning mind has a need to explain and understand everything. If we understand something, then there is no uncertainty. Uncertainty causes unease and discomfort. We don’t know where the boundaries are. Certainty gives us the illusion of surety. We feel safe if we know. Therefore, we are always striving for safety by limiting a situation or an experience. The need to feel safe is so strong that we will fill in the gaps of our knowledge with assumptions. In addition if we receive information that does not fit with our beliefs we will provide ourselves with an assumption that will make the picture complete according to our way of thinking.

We are willing to indulge ourselves with assumptions because we don’t have the courage to ask questions. Often we are afraid that we might not be right, that our beliefs may be wrong. The entire concept of right and wrong, good or bad brings us to a place of judgement. If a young child does not understand something he asks. There is no judgment about the issue. Deep down we understand that our beliefs are not necessarily the truth. This is why we seek confirmation from others. If you are speaking the Truth, the Truth does not need to be defended or justified. The Truth just is. It stands on its own. If you feel a need to justify your beliefs or ideas or you find yourself having to defend them, then you know that you are not speaking your Truth.

If for example you have been very busy the last few days. It is the end of the week and in order to take care of yourself you need to stay at home, take a long hot bath and read a book. However last week you promised a friend that you would go to a party with her. If you really believe that it is important to take care of yourself, you can call your friend up and say just exactly that. “Hello, I am sorry that I have changed my mind. I need to stay home and take care of myself.” There is no need to explain everything that went on in your workweek and if you find yourself justifying your behavior then you might ask yourself why? Why am I looking for support outside myself? Is this really my Truth?

We assume that what we know is our Truth. Just because we know something does not necessarily mean that it is true. You can tell if you are speaking your Truth by watching your actions. When you fill compelled to defend or justify yourself, consider that you might not be defending your Truth but rather one of your beliefs.

One of the biggest assumptions made is that everyone thinks like I do. Everyone sees the world the same as I do. When you do something and you end up judging yourself, you think that everyone else is judging you in the same way that you judge yourself. This is not true. No one will judge you in the same way that you judge yourself because no one else has the same belief system that you do. While it is true that other people may judge you, the majority of your pain comes from you judging yourself.

Begin by noticing when you make assumptions. As you develop your awareness about how often you make assumptions, find the courage to ask a question about something that you are not clear about. If your partner says that he is tired, does that mean he wants you to take the garbage out, give him a back rub or leave him alone. Ask. Simply by asking questions your communication will become clearer. You won’t take responses personally and you can avoid many dramas in your life.

Next issue we will discuss the fourth agreement—always do your best.

Kelsey Bunker is an apprentice with don Miguel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements, and currently teaches classes in the Portland area on the Four Agreements and facilitates monthly workshops with don Eduardo Fox from Los Angeles based on the Toltec wisdom. For more information call 503/288-4229 or email b1kelsey@aol.com.