March/April 2002 Living Now
Money & Spirit
The Two Cannons

by Fred Brown

One of the challenges that partners and spouses face in working together with their finances is merging the different attitudes about money that they bring to the relationship. I had a case recently in which a man, named Ed, almost forced his wife to divorce him because he was so consumed with putting money in savings that he refused to let her spend money on things that she felt were essential for the household.

 I vividly remember the first day the couple came into my office. As they sat down next to each other, I could feel the tension between them. They looked like two cannons that were ready to fire at each other.

 I took a deep breath and asked them why they had come to see me. Ed, the husband, said candidly that he had forced Jill to come with the threat that if she didn’t, he would divorce her.

"Oh my," I said in dismay. "I can tell you both have almost had it with each other over your financial concerns.” The two nodded their heads. "Well, you’ve come to me to try to work out your differences. Before we get started, I need to have you both confirm to me that you really are willing to work on making the hard compromises that are necessary to bring some reasonable harmony to your financial affairs."

 They both looked at me in surprise. There was a long pause. I looked at Ed. His voice faltered, but he said. "Yes, I’m willing to try." Jill nodded her head in agreement. I felt the tension between them ease. I smiled and said, "Now having said that I’m going to ask you to use a little mantra while you are doing this work with me. I want you to say to yourself, "I love Ed or Jill despite the way he or she manages money."

 This brought a chuckle from both of them, and I felt we had finally broken the ice. Over the years I’ve learned that finding ways of taking the charge out of money issues is just as important as finding practical solutions to them. When people’s emotions are stressed, they can’t hear, much less consider advice that is given to them.

 Now that I felt that the couple was receptive to moving forward, I explained what I planned to do. First I would draw up their financial summary to see where they stood. We would look at the attitudes they were bringing to managing their finances, and then at ways they could manage differently so that they could compensate for each other’s psychological hang-ups. The exercise turned out to be edifying to both of them. Since they managed their money separately, neither was fully aware of how the other was spending money. When I combined their income and expenses they discovered they were over spending by about $900 per month.

 After I thought that they had given me all of their expenses, Ed said they were putting aside $200 per month in savings. I added that amount to the $900 deficit and told them they were now $1100 in the red on a monthly average. I mentioned the futility of their trying to save when they were not meeting their expenses. Ed still maintained that they needed to put money aside and was critical of Jill’s spending so much money.

Instead of continuing this discussion I changed course, and took them through a visualization in which Jill and Ed looked at their family money history and the attitudes they had inherited from their parents. Jill’s father believed that the universe would provide, and instilled the belief in Jill.

 When Ed was young and his father was poor, he had drilled into Ed the importance of saving money for a rainy day. However, when his father became financially successful, he lost interest in savings and squandered money on gifts to Ed’s mother in an attempt to save his marriage. The gifts were not well received, and Ed felt they were one of the reasons for the divorce.

In discussing his father’s influence on him, Ed realized that as a result of his father ‘s changing behaviors, he had inherited both a belief that his only security would come from having a large savings account and a great skepticism about spending money on anyone. These insights helped Ed gain perspective on his feelings towards savings and his criticisms of Jill’s spending of money.

Once I saw that the couple had a real understanding of each other’s feelings towards money, I brought them back to the reality of their financial situation and the overspending they had to contend with. I suggested that they set themselves a joint spending goal for the next month based on their incomes, and that they subtract the money they spend during the month from this goal to see if they could live within it.

"That would force us to work together on our spending," Jill said.

"Yes", I said, "you would both be responsible for staying within this goal. My hope is that in focusing on this goal, you will let the numbers, not your emotions, control your decision-making."

"Should we include a savings expense?" Jill asked tentatively. I looked at Ed. He hesitated, "I guess it doesn’t make sense," he said reluctantly, until we get our expenses under control." Nice answer, I thought. They're off to a good start.