January/February 2002 Living Now
Take Charge of the New Year,
Don’t Make Any New Years Resolutions!

by Steven M. Cohn, PhD

Dr. Steven Cohn
It’s that time of year when nearly every advice columnist wishes to support you and your loved ones in making New Years resolutions. Although there’s lots of cheer-leading and encouragement and advice, in the end (be honest), are you really going to keep those resolutions? If you answered yes, then go read something else. If you answered no, you’re not alone. Read on.

Most individuals and most couples don’t keep up with their resolutions, yet they go right on making and breaking them year after year. “This year we’re not going to fight about money” or “Let’s really go out on a date without the kids once every week – starting now” or “Starting this year, really, truly, I won’t forget our anniversary.” Here’s some wisdom of the horse sense variety: If you always do as you’ve always done you’ll always get what you’ve always got. These words could almost seem trite except that on reflection they are simply too powerful to dismiss.

If your pattern has been to make and then break your resolutions - resulting in no personal growth and no growth for your relationship - then don’t make any New Years Resolutions in 2002. Don’t do what you’ve always done and you stand a chance of getting something different than what you’ve always received. Change your pattern and leave your worn out scripts behind.

For many couples, resolutions are like diets. They either don’t work at all, or they only work for a short amount of time. And when they fail, couples are faced with guilt, disappointment, hopelessness, and anger. Don’t go on a relationship diet by setting up resolutions that you constantly have to force yourself into; rather, find ways to change your relationship lifestyle to promote a continuous, healthy union. A diet is something you have to work at and force yourself to adhere to at every meal. On the other hand, although a change in lifestyle requires some discipline on the front end, a lifestyle change soon becomes the new, healthier status quo.

Many couples find that in order to facilitate a lifestyle change for their relationship they need to seek out support from a relationship book or a Relationship Specialist or both. If you want to start with some good reading material you might want to consider these three books: The Passionate Marriage, The Seven Principles for Making A Marriage Work, and You Just Don’t Understand. It doesn’t matter if you are married and it doesn’t matter if you are straight or gay, these books contain solid, helpful material.

If you are in a relationship where you are being either emotionally or physically abused, or if you are concerned that you might harm yourself or someone else, please phone the 24 hour per day Crisis Line at 503-215-7082. A trained counselor will help you through your crisis.

Dr. Steven Cohn is the Director of the Portland Couples Counseling Center and Co-Founder of the Irvington Counseling and Healing Arts Center. He specializes in treating couples from all backgrounds. If you would like to schedule an appointment with Dr. Cohn or if you would like to request a complimentary brochure, please phone 503-282-8496.