Read

January/February 2002 Spirituality
Further Along the Toltec Path

by Kelsey Bunker

In the last issue I talked about the First Agreement which is to be impeccable with your word. Recognize the power of your word to create. Never use the word against yourself, and never agree with someone who uses the word against you. How do you know if you have used the word against yourself? Simple - you feel bad, maybe ashamed or guilty. When we listen to someone who uses the word against us then we have the same reaction. We have taken personally whatever was said. We agree with what someone has said about us. This is the second agreement: Don’t take things personally.

We take things personally because we believe everything is about us. During the process of domestication we learn to take everything personally. We are taught that we are responsible for everything. It is this belief about responsibility that causes us to think that we must have done something wrong to someone if they are mean to us or disrespectful or even hateful. We forget that we are all dreaming our own individual dream, based on our own individual beliefs and points of view. This is aptly illustrated when different eyewitnesses are interviewed after seeing, for example, a car accident. Each person sees the situation differently. One witness may focus on the car that was hit. Another may focus on the car that caused the accident. Still another witness may see the cars that swerved but were not directly affected by the accident. In reality each witness “sees” the same thing but based on his or her beliefs and experiences, how they dream their life, they will perceive only a small portion of what they “see”.

We take things personally when we forget that each person has his own perception of a situation. People do things based on their own needs and desires. Their belief system directs their actions and interpretations of those actions. We can never make another person feel a certain way even if we say something mean or hurtful. Let’s say you are a good student. Your grades are high and you do well on exams. If someone comes up to you and tells you that you are stupid, you would just laugh because you know that is not true. However, let’s say you work very hard, but don’t believe you are smart. Even if you get the highest grade in class on an exam, if someone comes up to you and says that you are stupid it will sting because there is a part of you that agrees with what that person said. Why this person said you are stupid has nothing to do with you. It is based on his own opinions. You take it personally because that person said something that you believe about yourself. That person is simply affirming what you already believe about yourself.

When you take things personally, you feel attacked which causes you to feel a need to defend your viewpoint. The result is the creation of conflicts. By not taking things personally, you can realize that when someone says something, they are simply offering their point of view. You don’t have to agree with it. And likewise if you know that your opinion is only your point of view then you don’t have to convince someone else of the correctness of your opinion. This saves a great deal of drama and suffering.

If someone says “what you said hurt me.” What they really mean is that what you said touched one of their wounds and they are using those words to hurt themselves. There is no way you can take this personally. Each person is responsible for his own dream, his own beliefs, his own life. If someone was angry with you and came up and hit you, the pain of the hit would soon dissipate and yet you would retain the thoughts of “why did he do that?”, “what did I do to deserve that?”, “what is wrong with me?” These thoughts would linger long after the physical pain has gone. The reason this person hit you is based on his own views. Maybe he believes that you deserve to be hit. Maybe you kissed his girlfriend. In reality he is angry because he is afraid. He is dealing with fear; maybe he is afraid that he is going to lose his girlfriend, or he is afraid that he cannot protect her. He cannot be mad at you unless he is afraid. He cannot be jealous unless he is afraid. He cannot hate you unless he is afraid. His reaction to you is based on his own fears and they have nothing to do with you.

Not taking things personally allows you to live in heaven when all those around you are living in hell. When you truly understand this agreement the opinions and beliefs of others will not affect you. You can walk around this world with an open heart because other people’s opinions no longer matter. You can say, “I love you!” without fear of rejection. You can ask for what you need. Deciding not to take things personally will help you to live your life from a place of love rather than fear.

Next issue, we will discuss the third agreement: Don’t make assumptions.

The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz is available in bookstores and libraries. Kelsey Bunker is an apprentice with don Miguel Ruiz and currently teaches classes in the Portland area on the Four Agreements and facilitates monthly workshops with don Eduardo Fox from Los Angeles based on the Toltec wisdom. For more information call 503/288-4229 or email b1kelsey@aol.com.