November/December 2001 Living Now
The Couples Connexion: Couples Sing The Holiday Blues

by Steven M. Cohn, PhD

Dr. Steven Cohn
Tradition promises that the holiday season will be filled with friendly feelings, family closeness, and love. For many couples, however, the promise of good cheer is too often replaced with the mixed realities of stress, arguments, unfulfilled dreams, and depression.

Possibly the most common reason for the holiday blues is unrealistic expectations. Unrealistic expectations can be caused by internal pressure to have a perfect holiday or family pressure to over extend or even guilt brought on by media images of actors living out fairy tale holiday celebrations. You don’t have to be victimized by the holidays. It might be a good idea for you and your partner to talk about holiday expectations well in advance of the season. Discuss the stresses of seasons past and set reasonable and realistic goals accordingly. It’s okay to plan to do less. It’s okay to attend fewer parties. It’s okay to shop less and buy fewer and less expensive gifts. It’s okay not to see all of your friends and family on every occasion. And, it’s okay for you to decide to attend any particular event alone if your partner doesn’t want to participate.

Couples, too, often experience financial stress and shopping fatigue before, during, and after the holidays. Too much money goes onto credit cards, checking and savings accounts are needlessly emptied, and too many soul-numbing hours are spent shopping and returning gifts. Don’t be a victim. Make choices that empower you. Consider making a financial plan for the holidays by opening a holiday savings account. Decide how much you can afford to spend during the holiday season – including travel, gifts, and festivities. Divide that number by twelve and then make a deposit equal to that amount into your savings account each month. By the end of twelve months you will have saved the amount you intend to spend. When the holidays arrive, don’t use credit cards, use your savings. When you have spent what you saved, stop spending money and begin giving the gift of time or perhaps even something homemade. Imagine how stress free you will feel knowing that you don’t have credit card bills piling up.

Too much alcohol and too much food can also have couples singing the holiday blues. Feeling intoxicated or stuffed with food (or worse, both) can numb you to intimacy and impacts both your sexual desire and performance. Plus, alcohol is a depressant and can bring on the holiday blues for an out-of-control drinker. Decide in advance how much you will drink and how much you will eat during any given evening. Limit yourself and know your limits. To curb your appetite, eat healthy snacks and fill up on water before attending a party. Who knows, at the end of the night, if you aren’t drunk and you aren’t too stuffed, you might even have enough energy left for a little romance.

Take charge of the season. Make choices that are good for you.

If you are in a relationship where you are being either emotionally or physically abused, or if you are concerned that you might harm yourself or someone else, please phone the 24 hour per day Crisis Line at 215-7082. A trained counselor will help you through your crisis.

Dr. Steven Cohn is the Director of the Portland Couples Counseling Center and Co-Founder of the Irvington Counseling and Healing Arts Center. He specializes in treating couples from all backgrounds. If you would like to schedule an appointment with Dr. Cohn or if you would like to request a complimentary brochure, please phone 503-282-8496.