Read

September/October 2001 Spirituality
Free, Free at Last

by Carol J. Merrick

In recent years, I’ve been wanting more peace and joy in my life, and I’ve learned that the key is noticing the here and now. Last year a friend told me about Catherine Ingram, and after I read her book, In the Footsteps of Ghandi, I decided to attend her Dharma Dialogues in Portland. There I learned to recognize my life stories, or “I” stories, and dismiss them as they float into my mind. These “I” stories consist of what I want, where I want to go, and what is mine.

 I was impressed with her teachings, presence, and energy, so I signed up for a 3-day silent retreat at Spirit Rock Meditation Center in northern California. As I arrived, my thoughts hammered me, but soon, my mind quieted down and an incredible sense of peace and joy settled in. FREE, FREE AT LAST, I thought.

 The first day, I woke up at 4 am and explored this astoundingly beautiful retreat area, nestled into the dessert hills of California. The animals touched me the most. Deer with their fawns roamed the grounds; wild turkeys flew into trees; an owl swooped down and captured a mouse; salamanders scuttled over the rocks and did push-ups as they watched me while toads jumped onto the patio in search of a mate.

 During our introductory Dharma Dialogue Catherine explained that we are all so busy with our lives that most of us don’t know how to just BE anymore. Once you tune into the Mysterious Presence (that some might call God), you learn to flow along with life–in fact you become the flow. There is nothing that you have to learn, just relax and notice, that it’s already happening. Put your attention on what is really important–the Mysterious Presence in the here and now. “What helps us keep this perspective is being quiet, doing less, and joining with others who follow this path. When you wake up from your ‘I’ stories, you move into love, and love gives itself away with no expectations.”

 The second day of the retreat I relaxed into this simple but peaceful state of being. There were still times that I wished I could talk to someone but what I discovered was talking stimulates me along with my other diversions. Without it, there is just quiet. During Dharma Dialogues the second day, I asked Catherine: “I’m hearing from you that when we are in realization we recognize our ‘I’ stories and don’t put much attention on them. Where I often get stuck is in other people’s stories since my conditioning is that I’m responsible for everyone. I know that is NOT true but I often get confused as to how to be supportive and loving to these friends or family members.”

 Catherine encouraged me to see the Mysterious Presence in everyone around me. See their wholeness, even if they do not. Once we can learn to take our own stories lightly, then we can also learn to take other people’s stories lightly. Know when you have reached your limits and take care of yourself. Family bonds are like no other relationship in our lives, and often our shadow sides are allowed to hang out and be expressed. Forgiveness is seeing people as they truly are, with all their sufferings. We realize the torture chamber that people live in when they do despicable acts. That doesn’t mean we should accept abuse from these people but it doesn’t have to stop our compassion.

 At the end of three days, leaving Spirit Rock was not easy, but Catherine encouraged us to learn to live our whole life in realization, not just the few days spent during the retreat; to live in the present moment, and not project into the future or reliving the past.

 Now that I know what “freedom” tastes like, I want more of it in my life. This means taking on fewer responsibilities, doing less, spending more quiet time, joining a like-minded community, and realizing that freedom is here for me right now. My spiritual seeking has ended.

Carol Merrick is the chair of EarthSave Portland/Vancouver and can be found at EarthSave potlucks on the 3^rd Sunday of every month at West Hills UU Fellowship. More information about Catherine Ingram can be found by calling 503-246-4235 or www.dharmadialogues.org.